“Our friends are getting a divorce. What can we do?”
“You won’t believe what I just heard. Bill and Janet are getting a divorce!” Those two lines have stunned many of us at one time or another. When it happens to close friends, the clouds of disbelief, pain, anger, and frustration can be overwhelming to us. We immediately want to scream at both parties, “You can’t do this!” Divorce just isn’t supposed to happen to your Christian friends. But it does, and with increasing frequency. How can you help? What should you do? What do you say?
After spending 22 years in the divorce recovery field, I have discovered that there are three basic questions all separated and divorcing people need to answer. Those who try to help can often be the ones to ask these questions: Do both parties want to save the marriage? Will both parties accept professional help for as long as is necessary to save the marriage? Has a third party become involved with either of them?
As any trained counselor will tell you, you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want help. And it is extremely difficult to save a marriage when a third party is working overtime to destroy it. Nevertheless, I believe there are seven positive things you can do when the fabric of your friends’ marriage is ripping apart.
1. Pray for them. Prayer is a compassionate tool given by God to aid hurting people. Scripture commands prayer for one another and testifies to prayer’s power (Eph. 6:18, Jas. 5:16). Prayer for hurting friends is not a last resort. It is a first resort. If the marriage is to be saved, it must be placed in larger hands than yours. Prayer enlists God’s aid in the battle to save the marriage. It also helps remind you that your knowledge and skills are limited.
2. Don’t abandon them. It is easier to avoid people who are doing something you disagree with than to stand by them and spend time with them. People in pain need friends who love them. In 1 Thess. 5:14, Paul encourages his readers to “encourage the timid, (and) help the weak.” The issues that push marriages into trouble usually take years to accumulate. Healing the broken places take time. Getting involved will probably be costly. Make it your intention before getting heavily involved to stick with hurting people for as long as it takes. Remember, there is no quick fix.
3. Don’t take sides. Divorcing people often look for recruits to join their side of the imminent divorce battle. If you intend to help, stay neutral to both parties. Focus your attention on trying to help save the marriage instead of being lured by one side to throw rocks at the other. Everyone has a long litany of “who did what to whom,” and “who is really to blame here.” Always rem3mber that your view of a collapsing marriage is from the outside, not the inside.
4. Try to get both of your friends to see a counselor. Marriage counselors have skills you do not possess. They know how to stay neutral. Only recommend counselors who have a good track record of saving marriages. They are literally the paramedics for dying marriages. If the marriage is salvageable, they will have the best chance at saving it. You can even offer to go with your friends and pay for their appointment to show your concern.
5. Be available and listen with love. Let your friends know you are available to listen any time they want to talk. Listen to them, supply Kleenex, and be willing to drink buckets of coffee. Hurting people need the physical presence of caring people when their lives appear to be unraveling. Listen more than you talk. Be sensitive to God’s leading in these conversations.
6. Don’t gossip about them to other friends. Gossip is often the natural pastime for those who stand on the sidelines when other people’s lives are crumbling. Never break a confidence that has been entrusted to you. One of the greatest dangers is to brag that “we are trying to help Bill and Janet put their marriage back together.” Become a silent helper rather than a play-by-play commentator on the demise of someone else’s marriage.
7. Don’t play God. God can save marriages that the whole world deems hopeless. I don’t believe He calls those who help to be heralds predicting the final outcome of the process, however. Too many well-meaning Christians make spiritual statements about what they think God will or will not do. Scripture provides guidance, but it must always be shared gently and from a loving heart. Don’t use harsh exhortations as a spiritual club to beat them up. Always let the Holy Spirit do the convicting. That is not your job.
My heart has been broken many times in the past 20 years as I have walked others through thousands of divorces. I wish I could have healed them all, but I could not. Over the years I have learned that many men and women have to pay the price for bad decisions others have made that have swept them into divorce. Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse of hope that has comforted many individuals experiencing the tragedy of divorce: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
Jim Smoke is the author of Growing Through Divorce, (Harvest House Publishing).
Reprinted with permission from Discipleship, Issue 102, 1997, p.100
